Beware the Veep

Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent hunting trip is the first direct manifestation of his increasing wonton bloodlust. Sure, it starts with 78-year-old lawyers and farm-raised quail, but the thirst for more could quickly escalate.

On Saturday Feb. 11, the president went to a Texas hunting ranch on a trip that clearly served as a thinly veiled sojourn to unleash years of pent-up anger and a desire to expedite the thinning of the American population. On the trip, Cheney “mistook a hunting buddy for a cubby of quail” and riddled the man with buckshot from his shotgun. Sure, sending hundreds of thousands of young men to war is one effective method of reducing the burgeoning American population, but, apparently for Cheney, it wasn’t working quickly enough.


The bad news for the 64-year-old Cheney is that his shot isn’t what it used to be. His efforts to remove 78-year-old hunting companion and Arlington attorney Harry Wittington from the social security files was thwarted when the dogged septuagenarian fought the buckshot’s nasty effects and is now listed in stable condition at a Corpus Christi hospital.

According to various news sources, including the BBC.CO.UK, Whittington had more than ten pieces of buckshot throughout his face and body, but fewer than 100 scraps of the shrapnel. I, personally gonna bank on about 56 pieces that – at the right angle – look smackingly like a new multi-million dollar contract for Halliburton. Just for one last FU to Wittington, some of the buckshot will never be able to be removed from his body, according to the victim’s daughter, Sally.

Ignoring the real story of Cheney’s internal evil sublimating to actual bouts of attempted murder, the news media has tended to focus on the more inncuous question of whether the White House spindoctors dragged their feet notifying the press and public about the attempted murder/hunting mishap. "I think you can always look back at these issues and look at how to do a better job,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan at a press conference on Monday morning. Was he talking about handling the press or the entire length of the Bush administration? Oh, those public information guys are wiley and cryptic. In fact, there is speculation in the media that Cheney and his staff attempted to keep the entire incident under wraps until ranch’s ower Katharine Armstrong leaked the story to the journalistic juggernaut the Corpus Christi Times.

To compound Cheney’s bad luck/taste for blood, it seems he might not have had the proper certification on his hunting license to attempt murder. This oversight could leave the failed would-be murderer a severe slap on the wrist not only from the environmental lobby (who don’t so much like the man anyway), but also the pivotal NRA contingent who actually do attempt to separate hunting from homicide. Most of the time, anyway.

Cheney, of course, is not the first VP to attempt murder. There was Alexander Hamilton and his famous and ill-fated duel against Aaron Burr. But Cheney is the first to grow pointy horns and sport glowing red eyes at the time of the incident. He also failed to give his victim a sporting chance at reciprocity. Okay, that horns part is a slight exaggeration – and I’ve heard nothing about the color of Cheney’s eyes at the time of the incident. But I’m warning anyone contemplating a sporting weekend with the VP to reconsider.

On the golf course, you could be mistaken for a pesky gopher. At the bowling alley, you might lose some digits in the ball return. Don’t get me started with the perils of archery or, God forbid, bocce. Keep Cheney far from Turino. His outdoorsey evils know no boundaries. Our second in charge has smelled fear in 78-year-old form. It can only have served to jump-start the eventual massacre. Beware the Veep.